More Lessons From The Ballpark
by Kevin Kimmes
Yesterday morning I decided to make the 2 hour drive from Green Bay to take in the final game of the Brewers series with the Colorado Rockies. While the game was a disappointment on the field thanks to a “stellar” outing by K-Rod and an inability by the offense to create runs despite having men on base, the bigger disappointment was in the things I saw in and around the park. So, since there appears to be a large contingent of so-called “fans” out there who are utterly clueless, let’s cover a little more ballpark etiquette.
1) If you are parked closely to the car next to you, use some common sense and be careful when opening your doors.
To the mullet sporting asshat and his worthless friends who parked next to me, thanks for dinging my car door with your truck. I personally take great satisfaction in coming out and finding Doritos and vomit all around my vehicle which I had paid $10 to park. You people are the reason that I, and everyone else keeps coming back to the ballpark, so bravo and keep up the great work.
P.S. the above is what we “educated folk” refer to as “sarcasm”.
2) If you don’t want the promotional giveaway, then don’t take it.
Smashing your bobblehead against the concourse wall doesn’t show the team how angry you are with their performance on the field, it just shows everyone else that you are a clueless dick who should probably have stayed home and saved their family the embarrassment of knowing that they were out in public unsupervised again. No one is forcing you to take the promo item, so if you don’t want it either don’t take it, or give it to a kid who would be more than happy to have it.
3) Falling into the person next to you because you have dozed off for the 5th time this inning is not acceptable under any circumstances.
Let me qualify this. I’m not talking about the 9th inning, hell, I’m not talking about extra innings…I’m talking about the top of the 1st inning. If keeping your eyes open has become too taxing, then go home. Those of us who came to watch the game and not by bothered by your sudden bought of narcolepsy will not miss you.
4) There is nothing wrong with playing catch with your kid outside the ballpark. However what are you teaching him when you are throwing the ball over the cars that are trying to leave the park?
Common sense: so rare, it’s a super power. ‘Nuff said.