John Axford: Time Traveler?

by Kevin Kimmes

Closers are a strange breed, and frankly, I can’t say I blame them. It takes a certain kind of personality to be able to enter a game at it’s most pivitol moment, knowing that the outcome is squarely on your shoulders. You have only one goal, to shut the door on the opposition, and in most cases there is no margin for error. It’s a tight-rope act being played out in front of a captive audience.

As Brewers fans, we can count ourselves lucky as we have had the opportunity to see some of the best at the position come through our club. From Hall of Famer Rollie Fingers in the 80’s to one-time career saves leader Trevor Hoffman in the late ’00s, and most recently Brewers’ Rookie Saves Leader John Axford, Brewers fans have been treated to some truly memorable innings. Today though, it is Axford that I would like to talk about.

You see, a few days ago, I was made aware of an article regarding a baseball card from 1865 which was recently discovered in Maine. Unless you are a collector like myself, this article would most likely be classified in the “That’s neat, I wonder what’s for lunch? ” category of news, as quickly forgotten as it was read. But for someone with an acute eye for detail, the card contains something interesting.

Here is a picture of the card itself:

1865 Brooklyn Atlantics

I can hear most people saying, “Yeah, so what?” Well, take a look at the man seated on the far left.

John Axford

Look Familiar? Possibly like a certain current Brewers closer? Possibly like John Axford?

Is it possible that Milwaukee’s current closer is also a time traveler? Has Axford, an admitted film buff, discovered the secret to time travel that Dr. Emmett Brown used to get Back to the Future? Did Axford go back to the game’s source in order to hone his skills as a pitcher, and if so, can he finally answer once and for all who actually created the game, Alexander Cartwright or Abner Doubleday? My curiosity was piqued.

I asked myself, “What do we really know about John Axford?” As a fair and reasonable journalist, I put together a list of facts:

1) Axford is Canadian: According to episodes I’ve seen of “How I Met Your Mother”, Canadians are a polite and jovial people who will apologize to you and give you a doughnut if you bump into them. They may also be afraid of the dark, though this has yet to be scientifically proven.

2) Axford was born on April 1, 1983: April 1st is also known as April Fools Day. Is it possible that the above photo is part of some elaborate joke carried out by a major league reliever with the ability to move through time on a whim, and if so are there other historical “photo bombs” out there which have yet to be discovered?

3) Axford has been known to sport a handlebar mustache: The handlebar mustache was a popular facial accessory in the late 1800’s. The photo was from 1865. I was surely on to something.

4) Axford worked as a bartender in the offseason: A bartender is a mixologist, a barroom alchemist if you will. Is it possible that this is where the secret to time travel was discovered? Could the secret lie in some accidental combination of seemingly benign ingredients such as seltzer, aromatic bitters, and linseed oil? I felt like I was on the verge of something big here, so without hesitation, I mixed up the above ingredients, slammed them back, and headed straight to the bathroom where I spent the remainder of my afternoon making nice with the major porcelain deities. Once the room stopped spinning and I could focus my vision again, I pressed on.

5) Closers normally pitch 1 inning per game: What do they do the rest of the time? While waiting for his call to action, could Axford have discovered a wormhole of some sort which allows him to travel through time unencumbered? Could there be a tear in the time/space continuum inside Miller Park, and if so, why hasn’t it been exploited to win a championship yet? No, seriously, I want to know. I turn 34 on Sunday and would really like to see Milwaukee win a championship in my lifetime. I don’t think this is a lot to ask for.

Cream City Cables made no attempts to reach John Axford for comment, since we assume that time travel is the kind of thing that one keeps close to the vest and doesn’t admit to just anyone.

Kevin Kimmes is a regular contributor to creamcitycables.com, a huge fan of John Axford and an applicant for the 2013 MLB Fan Cave. You can follow him on Twitter at @kevinkimmes.

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