Lessons From the Ballpark

By Nathan Petrashek

I had the good fortune to attend last night’s improbable 5-4 win over the Dodgers, and walked away less than enthused with my fellow Milwaukeeans (Milwaukee-uns?).  Here’s a few bits of advice for anyone attending the remainder of the Dodgers series.

  1. Matt Kemp does not suck.  He is also not overrated.  To avoid embarrassing yourself, avoid hurling either of these phrases at him while within his earshot.  You’re just fueling his fire.
  2. Ryan Braun is not a “herpes-infested f***” who has done nothing for the team.  Again, you’re embarrassing yourself, and the team you claim to support.  He won the Rookie of the Year in 2007, and he’s the reigning MVP who last year led the NL with a .996 OPS.  This year, he’s sporting an .886 OPS.
  3. You’re right, Aramis Ramirez is off to a slow start.  That does not mean Mat Gamel, who is justifying my faith in him with a .282/.333/.436 slash line, should bat fourth.  It’s week three.
  4. It’s week three.
  5. It’s week three.  Stop overreacting.
  6. Don’t leave early.  Especially don’t leave early in a one-run game.
  7. Only people truly in the middle of a row have the option to exit out either side.  If you’re closer to one side, do not inconvenience the majority of your row by exiting on the other side.  Your helmet of cheese fries is far more likely to survive the trip back to your seat using this approach.
  8. When there are, say, two on with no outs, and you’re down a run at the bottom of the ninth, it is perfectly okay to stand up and cheer.  We’re watching baseball, not the Milwaukee Symphony.

I’ll be back in the Keg tonight, and I have my fan police badge all ready to go.  Violations will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law (which is to say, gentle mocking and scornful looks).

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